HOW TO BE YOUR WIFE’S WHITE KNIGHT (or your husband’s Queen of Hearts)

This afternoon I attended a community theater performance of “The Music Man” at my hometown’s high school. By the norms of River City Iowa in 1912, Marion (yes, Marion the Librarian) should be married. Townspeople consider her standards for a husband too high. They envision her becoming an old maid. Marion, too, secretly fears this will happen.

When her outspoken mother confronts her directly about it, Marion sings “My White Night” by Meredith Wilson. During this song we see Marion knows what she wants in a husband. Her standards include, “…I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself, and more interested in us than in me.”

Marion is right on target. The focus for a healthy, happy, lasting marriage does not belong on me or on you. It belongs on us (the relationship).

Questions for thought:

• Do you want your marriage healthy, happy, and lasting?
• If you don’t know what to stop doing or start doing to focus (or increase your focus) on the “us” in your marriage, are you willing to learn?
• Will you take the next step towards that learning now?

Top resources exist to help you learn how to have a healthy marriage that can last a lifetime. Immediately available to you as a downloadable PDF e-book (also available in print) is 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships:  A guide for couples and anyone else who has relationships to treasure. See my other Top Book Recommendations here.

3 WAYS TO RESPOND TO A RELATIONSHIP CRISIS

Many of my therapy/counseling clients know I discourage thinking and speaking in absolutes or “black and white” (all or nothing, always or never). As a rule, in relationships this kind of thinking is inaccurate, unproductive, and worst of all, damaging. However, on rare occasions, like as I write to you now, there is a place for absolute thinking. Even I don’t always avoid it!

I can say with certainty that anyone who reads this has experienced relationship crises. It is inevitable. Faced with this certainty, how you prepare for crises and what you think and do during and after a crisis will determine how well you recover from it.

Once the initial shock of a relationship crisis passes, people usually respond with some combination of hurt, fear, and anger.  This is normal.  So what do you choose to think and do next? How do you want it to affect the rest of your life?

Recently I read Antifragile:  Things that Gain from Disorder by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.  Although not a book specifically about interpersonal relationships, it offers direct insight into the three ways people respond to relationship crises:  fragility, resilience, and antifragility.

1. Fragility. Something fragile easily breaks or falls apart under unexpected stress or shock. It doesn’t recover or become whole again. You and/or your relationship may have learned fragility as a response to crisis. After a crisis, neither you nor your relationship fully recovers. You function below the level you experienced before the crisis. Future events in relationships are affected negatively because you see and interpret them through glasses distorted by fragility.
2. Resilience. Something resilient is flexible and durable in response to unexpected stress or shock. Once the crisis passes, it becomes whole and stable again. It functions the same as before the crisis. A resilient person and a resilient relationship returns to the level of functioning lived before the crisis. Nothing is lost; nothing is gained. The outcome is neutral.
3. Antifragility. Something antifragile is the true opposite of fragile. It benefits from unexpected stress or shock. When they are antifragile, individuals and relationships become healthier and stronger from a crisis than they could achieve if they never experienced the crisis.

When you are  of fragility, resilience, and antifragility, you can identify your usual response under stress or unexpected shock. Which response do you have? Do you want merely to recover from a crisis? Or, since it happened, do you want to receive a positive payoff from the experience? If you discover you respond with fragility (becoming worse off than before) or resilience (experiencing no loss or benefit), you can choose to stretch yourself to make something good out of the crisis and learn antifragility.

A key concept in Antifragile is the occurrence of a crisis now and then can strengthen and make something better than before. The author (and I) does not recommend creating crisis to give you the opportunity to grow. Unexpected stress or shock happens naturally and unavoidably.

You can prepare for the inevitable crisis by choosing, in advance, to learn proven, successful tools to manage and get through the initial and later effects of a crisis. Relationship education through reading, workshops, and professional coaching are ways to learn these tools.

Although choosing antifragility can have extraordinary results, is not necessarily an easy road for awhile. The process of becoming stronger than before the crisis may take great effort and a long time. Even after taking preventative steps to learn how to survive crisis, once in the middle of it you may value from having additional proven, successful relationship tools and/or a skilled relationship counselor. It is healthy and wise to use all the support and education available to you as you strive for antifragility. In choosing this path, it is critical you don’t throw in the towel five minutes before you would otherwise see the results of your efforts.

Antifragile:  Things that Gain from Disorder by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, is a long, comprehensive, detailed book. The main concepts are explained in the introduction, while the rest of the book goes into depth in many areas including people, the body, technology, business, economics, politics, health systems, and how each have, have not, and can respond to antifragility.

 “A picture is worth a thousand words”

The Japanese art form Kintsugi or is a practice in antifragility. It takes broken pottery, mends it with a lacquer resin sprinkled with powdered gold, and turns it into something with a new beauty that was not possible before the break. I invite you to take a moment to check out a photo of Kintsugi. You may find this picture helpful in seeing how something rises above brokenness, transforms into something different from the original that is stronger and better than before. That is antifragility.

Do You have a Relationship You Treasure? 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships – It’s ready for you!

Two or three years ago, I had this “stuff” running around in my brain, clogging it up.  I had to capture that “stuff” on paper, so I began writing and ended up with a list of 10 healthy relationship tips.  Each tip was two or three lines long.  One time when I revisited the list, I decided I wanted to say more about these tips, so the two or three lines turned into several paragraphs per tip. 

And then my brain started to clog up again – weird how that happens.  I pulled up the list on my computer, and it sort of took on a life of its own, growing into 20 tips.  After I reached the 20^th tip mark, I realized I had a book in me.  So I started growing the list towards my new goal of an e-book with 30 healthy relationship tips. 

Those of you who follow my blog or get my newsletter (you can sign up to get emails of either or both in the side bar to the right), know I put out a request this summer for tips you wanted included in this book.  I incorporated what readers sent me.  You know who you are – thank you!

More than once I wondered if I’d ever get the book finished.  So many time hogs and unexpected circumstances kept getting in the way.  Yeah, life as usual…

But wonder of wonders, I finished the e-book.  I’m excited!  It has user-friendly formatting and pictures. 

30 Tips to Healthier Relationships:  A guide for couples and anyone else who has relationships to treasure has been available since October 13^th.  I’ve received positive feedback from readers.  They like it!  They say it gives them tools they can use to help them succeed in their most important relationship(s).

Here’s what one internationally known therapist and author has to say about the book:

“It’s easy to go on automatic pilot in relationships, taking them for granted or falling into unhelpful patterns. Jenny Olin’s 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships can serve as a wakeup call, renewing your relationship and making it much better each day. Spend one month using these simple but useful tips and you’ll find out for yourself.”   -Bill O’Hanlon, LMFT, author, Love is a Verb and Rewriting Love Stories

You can download your copy today in a PDF format.  I have a special coupon code for my blog readers to receive $5 off.  And, if you don’t like the book you can get your money back, so what do you have to lose?  Better yet, what do you have to gain?

I almost forgot to tell you – I also wrote a companion workbook to help you decide how you want to use these tips, measure your progress, and evaluate your results.  Formatted as a Word Template, you can type your answers right into the workbook and save it on your computer.  Workbooks help many people stay accountable for their choices.  

How do you get your discounted copy of Thirty Tips to Healthier Relationships?  Click on this link http://www.HealthyRelationshipsForLife.com/mb and make sure you type in the coupon code BLOG.

Many more details about the book are available here http://www.HealthyRelationshipsForLife.com/mb  but make sure you use the coupon code BLOG, or else you miss out on the special discount.

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TIP

All relationships have room to grow. Even your relationship with yourself has room to grow.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could do one thing different to improve your marriage or other important relationship today? Here’s your chance. Below is one of my favorite Healthy Relationships tips. Read it. Try it out. Leave a comment below to let me know what you think. More on healthy relationship tips will follow in my next blog.

Share appreciations every day about the good you see in others.

Sharing appreciations is a great way to bring a smile to someone’s face and warmth to his/her heart. We like to hear genuine compliments and thanks.

 Experiment with expanding your expressions of appreciation. If you are a person of few words, you might find this challenging at first. Once you see the results, you’ll be glad you took the challenge.

Here are a couple of examples:

 OK: “I appreciate your making dinner tonight.”

GREAT: “I appreciate your making dinner tonight. Driving home from work, I had no idea what to cook. When I walked in the door and discovered you were already cooking, I felt so relieved I would have turned cartwheels if I knew how! Thank you so much! I love you!”

 OK: “I appreciate your not giving me a hard time about going out with the guys last night.”

GREAT: “I appreciate your not giving me a hard time about going out with the guys last night. I know you weren’t interested in going to the hockey game and I really wanted to see it. I needed the break in routine. After the game, it was nice to come home and crawl into bed next to you.”

Practice keeping your appreciations clear and concise. Using too many words can dilute your message. Also, if your message is too long, the receiver often stops listening and doesn’t hear your appreciation.

Be sure to keep your appreciations real. We usually see through fake ones.

What real appreciations will you share today?

Please remember to leave a comment.  (If you don’t see a comment box, click on the blog title:  A Healthy Relationship Tip.  That should switch you to a page where you can leave a comment.)

Are You Waiting for an Apology From Your Spouse?

I just read a blog that said when you owe your spouse an apology, give it. Right. A good idea. Somebody reading this believes their spouse owes them an apology. So why haven’t you gotten it?

For many people, apologizing is monumental. Reasons? Pride, ego, socialization, admission of guilt, fear of retort, and worry over triggering an unfinished or new argument, and oh, so much more.

Let’s assume you deserve an apology from your spouse. How you reacted to an apology from him/her in the past, to a large degree, will determine whether or not you are likely to get one now.

In striving for a healthy marriage, think about what you value vs. what you feel. Feelings tend to be transient, while values remain consistent over time. You can focus on feeling hurt or angry, and hold out for an apology that may never come, or you can focus on what is best for your relationship.

Holding out for an apology continues emotional distant with each other. How about approaching your spouse and saying something like: “I’m sad this happened because the bottom line is I value our marriage and I want it to work.” You may or may not get a good response at that moment. But I know many people who have waited a few days after taking this approach and then they notice a change of attitude from their spouse. It’s worth the wait. After all, when your relationship wins, you win and so does your spouse. Now isn’t a win-win a better deal than holding out for that apology?

You won’t want to miss this one: What’s Sleep Got to do with Relationships, Anyway?…

Take a minute and watch this video: http://www.powersleep.org/Maas%20Promo%20Video.html . This guy (Dr. James Maas, the world’s leading sleep educator and researcher, and author of the best-selling Power Sleep) commands HUGE speaking fees and you can hear him, along with his colleague Rebecca Robbins for an hour for free! You can hear me interview them live on Monday, February 8th at 8 PM EST, or listen to an audio replay at your convenience.

All you need to do is subscribe to the conference call at: http://www.healthyrelationshipsforlife.com/relationship-teleseminar.html. You will have to confirm your subscription by email. A bunch of emails will follow – you can read or disregard them – but make sure you read the one on What’s Sleep Got to do with Relationships, Anyway? to know how to connect with the seminar by phone or internet.

Me? I can’t wait!

PS: Are your reading this after 2/8? You can subscribe and get the replay until 2/19.

A New Program has been added to FABULOUS FEBRUARY’S FREE RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT TELESEMINAR SERIES!

Saturday, February 13th, 3:30 PM EST
Healing Relationships Traumatized by the Chaos of Addiction, Mirabai Wahbe, MA, LMHC, Relationship counseling and couples education expert, The Gottman Institute, Seattle, WA.

Experience Mirabai’s warmth, sensitivity, and expertise in addictions as she addresses the issues commonly faced when addiction is the third partner in relationships. Topics revolve around what to expect and do:

when an addiction is active

at the beginning of recovery

as recovery continues

I have received several questions and comment about this series. I want to respond to them since I expect others have wondered the same things.

What is a teleseminar? It is a seminar, class, workshop, or lecture, only we do not meet together in one location. You can listen to the seminar either on your telephone or computer.

The times of the calls are not convenient for me. This will be true for a lot of people. That is why I will send you a computer link to the call by email as soon after the call as I can. You can listen to it when you have the time. I think it is more fun to listen to the call live if you have the chance.

How do I get on the call? When you subscribe, I’ll send you that information by email closer to the time of the first seminar.

Where can I get more information? See my previous blog posted January 17, 2010.

How do I subscribe? Go to: http://www.healthyrelationshipsforlife.com/teleseminar-registration.html

Can I subscribe after the series starts? Yes! You can subscribe up to February 19th. You will receive links to the calls you missed.

Do you have a flier I can print and post? Yes. You’ll find it at: http://healthyrelationshipsforlife.com/teleseminar-flier.html

The first call is Friday, February 5th at 1 PM EST. Subscribe now before you forget! http://www.healthyrelationshipsforlife.com/teleseminar-registration.html

FABULOUS FEBRUARY’S FREE RELATIONSHIP ENRICHMENT TELESEMINAR SERIES

What greater gift can you give your Valentine than a healthy relationship?

Do you look at your partner the same way you did on your first Valentine’s Day together?

Do you want to make it even better?

Or are you ready for a relationship pick-me-up?

If you answered yes to either of the last two questions, you will want to take advantage of the great offer below.

Has your fast-paced world, become so consumed with work, family, and other obligations, the two of you have lost focus on your commitment to, or desire for, each other? Has trust been broken? Has your communication broken down to arguing over disagreements or misunderstandings? You can turn this around!

You know the truth from experience: all couples have their relationship ups and downs. We love the ups; we hate the downs. Relationships change. That’s normal. It isn’t normal for relationships to have to change for the worse, or to stay that way.

Relationship problems are solvable. When the grass starts to look greener on the other side of the fence, we need to ask ourselves how well we have been fertilizing and watering our own. Sometimes we can’t figure out the solutions ourselves; we need to turn to an expert to get back on the right path.

Give your Valentine the gift of a better relationship. Tend to your chosen love by subscribing and listening to Fabulous February’s Free Relationship Enhancement Teleseminar Series.

Not familiar with a teleseminar? It is similar to a traditional seminar or class in content and purpose, Participants can listen from anywhere (even in your favorite recliner!), rather than meeting together in a particular location. You call in on the phone or sign on from your computer for each seminar in the series and just listen. It’s that easy.

Sign up by clicking on this link: Fabulous February’s Free Relationship Enhancement Teleseminar Series.

TOPICS SCHEDULED TO ENRICH YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

Friday, February 5th, 1 PM EST
Trust Issues on the Rise in Couples’ Relationships, Joe Bavonese, PhD. Relationship counseling and couples education expert, national presenter, and co-founder of The Relationship Institute, Royal Oak, MI.

Monday, February 8th, 8 PM, EST
What’s Sleep Got to do with Couples’ Relationships, Anyway? James Maas, PhD, Cornell University, Cornell, NY. Professor, researcher, author, and international presenter.

Wednesday, February 10th, 1 PM, EST
Couples Relationship Education: Who Needs it? Thad Zaremba, ACSW. Relationship counseling and couples education expert, The Relationship Institute, Royal Oak, MI.

Friday, February 19th, 12 Noon, EST
Money Matters to Couples, Brian Farr, MS. Financial therapist, author, local TV morning show guest, and national presenter, Portland, OR.

And more…

Your host, relationship specialist Jenny Olin, LCSW, will interview each expert for an hour.
These presenters were handpicked – only the best for you! Not only are they experts in their fields, but also engaging, conversational presenters.

Sign up by clicking on this link: Fabulous February’s Free Relationship Enhancement Teleseminar Series. Your information is kept confidential.

You can listen to the call live on your phone or on your computer. (Any long-distance phone charges are your responsibility.) After you have subscribed and before the first teleseminar, you will receive details about how to connect to the call. Also, before each call you will receive more details about the teleseminar expert and what you can expect.

After each teleseminar, all subscribers will receive a follow-up email with a link to an MP3 download. This way, if you are unable to listen live to a teleseminar, you can listen later at your convenience. You will get a bonus, too!

Sign up by clicking on this link: Fabulous February’s Free Relationship Enhancement Teleseminar Series. Remember, your information is kept confidential.

This teleseminar series is sponsored by Lighted Pathways, a relationship counseling and education practice. Located in Saratoga Springs, NY, it is owned by Jenny Olin, LCSW, and dedicated to Creating Healthy Relationships for Life. www.healthyrelationshipsforlife.com

The Fast Track to Healthy Relationships for Couples Workshop Preview now in WMV Format

Eureka! I figured out how to put the workshop preview for The Fast Track to Healthy Relationships for Couples in WMV format. No small feat!

Translation: previously only those of you with PowerPoint could download and watch this preview for my most popular workshop. Now you can download and preview it on any computer with software that plays videos (examples: Windows Media Player and MediaDirect, but lots of other software, too).

Get it free here:

Add to cart

Those of you who prefer the PowerPoint version can still get it free here:

Add to cart

The next workshop:TBA

(Please don’t let the Shopping Cart intimidate you. It’s harmless! It is an efficient automated way for me to get this video download to you. Your information is completely confidential.)

Who is Jenny Olin, LCSW, and what is Lighted Pathways?

Jenny Olin, LCSW’s specialty and primary professional interest is relationship counseling and education.   She helps people create healthy relationships that can last a lifetime.

Whether your relationship problem is in your marriage, as a couple, with finding a life partner, with a family member, friend, or someone where you work, she helps you develop the resources to resolve these problems effectively. Her practice Lighted Pathways in Saratoga Springs, NY,  provides the flexibility of individual, marriage or couples psychotherapy, and relationship education workshops for married and pre-marital couples and singles. She believes when you solve your relationship problems effectively you not only receive personal benefit, but also contribute to growing healthier families and a healthier society.

Jenny Olin is a New York State Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a National Association of Social Workers Diplomat in Clinical Social Work. She has extensive advanced clinical training from several institutes including the following internationally recognized centers of excellence.

Jenny Olin received her Masters degree in Social Work in 1981 from The University at Albany, specializing in clinical practice. She has been in private practice since 1989.