HOW TO BE YOUR WIFE’S WHITE KNIGHT (or your husband’s Queen of Hearts)

This afternoon I attended a community theater performance of “The Music Man” at my hometown’s high school. By the norms of River City Iowa in 1912, Marion (yes, Marion the Librarian) should be married. Townspeople consider her standards for a husband too high. They envision her becoming an old maid. Marion, too, secretly fears this will happen.

When her outspoken mother confronts her directly about it, Marion sings “My White Night” by Meredith Wilson. During this song we see Marion knows what she wants in a husband. Her standards include, “…I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself, and more interested in us than in me.”

Marion is right on target. The focus for a healthy, happy, lasting marriage does not belong on me or on you. It belongs on us (the relationship).

Questions for thought:

• Do you want your marriage healthy, happy, and lasting?
• If you don’t know what to stop doing or start doing to focus (or increase your focus) on the “us” in your marriage, are you willing to learn?
• Will you take the next step towards that learning now?

Top resources exist to help you learn how to have a healthy marriage that can last a lifetime. Immediately available to you as a downloadable PDF e-book (also available in print) is 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships:  A guide for couples and anyone else who has relationships to treasure. See my other Top Book Recommendations here.

6 TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF COUPLES OR MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Sometimes it helps to start with a story. Some time ago, I attended a day-long workshop based on a positive program description and a recommendation of the presenter from a trusted source. My expectation was to gain a fresh perspective and tools I could use to unstick a particular stuck spot in my life.

This is what happened. For 10 minutes early in the workshop, each participant had the opportunity to name one, and firmly restricted to only one, exception to when he or she did not experience this stuck spot. For the remaining five hours, 50 minutes, the group leader and the other participants shared life stories and discussed the topic from a problem-oriented focus. They had a satisfying day talking about staying stuck. Even the facilitator talked about his own stuckness.

I listened patiently all morning. After lunch I experienced growing impatience as the clock ticked away the hours. I waited for the presenter to shift to a solution focus. It never came. My attempts to ask solution-oriented questions were interrupted, and my questions ignored. I seemed to be the only one who was interested in working towards becoming unstuck.

I left distressed, disappointed, and appalled! It was a waste of my time and money. You may wonder why I sat through this for six hours. I could have walked out. I stayed, hopeful with the expectation we’d eventually get to that solution-oriented talk.

My take away? This group colluded, joined together, to stay stuck. Each person clung to what is familiar, no matter how painful or how much it stopped him or her from living a healthier life.

When you go for couples or marriage counseling, how long do you want to stay stuck? How quickly do you want to move forward in a positive direction? Many people seek therapy (counseling) when they are in crisis, or as a last resort. Their pain is often so great they don’t have the patience or luxury to wait to see improvement in their situation. When choosing a therapist (counselor) for couples or marriage issues, you want someone with the experience to help you make progress right away. You want to start feeling better in the first session.

Your progress may begin with one tiny step or one big step forward. If it is a tiny step, of course you want more. What is important is now you are headed in the right direction.

You want the tools to solve the specific problem(s) for which you need help. As a bonus, it is useful to have tools you can use to prevent a recurrence of the reason you asked for help and skillfully handle the inevitable new future problems.

Avoid finding yourself in a situation similar to the one in which I found myself when attending that dreadful workshop. I recommend these 6 tips as a guideline for getting the most out of couples or marriage counseling.

1.  Choose a solution-oriented therapist – one who focuses on solutions rather than continually replays the problem with you. A problem focus does more damage than just keeping you stuck. Repeatedly replaying the problem makes you feel worse! Talking about a problem isn’t a solution.
2. Choose a therapist who does not make recommendations about whether or not you should stay together. Hard to believe, but true, even highly skilled therapists are poor predictors whether or not couples stay together. Those we have serious doubts will heal their relationships often have stellar transformations, while those with easily resolvable problems can surprise us by ending their relationship.
3. Choose a hope-filled therapist. When you are having difficulties, hope keeps you going. A therapist who has separation or divorce counseling as a default if you don’t solve your problems is not hope-filled.
4. Expect your therapist to teach you concrete tools to solve the problem(s) for which you seek help. Remember, you are in counseling to solve, not perpetuate a problem.
5. Between sessions, practice the tools your therapist teaches you. The best tools are useless unless you practice, master, and continue to use them.
6. If, in spite of your best research or trusted recommendation, you discover the therapist with whom you meet is not right for you, stop seeing that person. Defy any thoughts of giving up, and keep searching until you fine the therapist who is right for you.

HOW DO YOU SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Does it seem like the love you show isn’t received? Do you no longer feel loved by the one you used to be sure loved you? What went wrong? Has love ended?

Chances are, it hasn’t. Chances are, your experience is due to miscommunication. When love isn’t communicated to us in a way we recognize it, we feel disconnected and detached from the one we love. It’s an awful experience.

To make matters worse, when the reason our love is not being received, or the reason we don’t feel loved is miscommunication, we adopt false beliefs. Then, we risk making wrong decisions about our relationship based on these false beliefs.

Let me tell you what I mean by making wrong decisions based on false beliefs. As is the trend, I use a GPS to navigate when I drive to new places. The authoritative voice of the person who sits in the satellite out in space doesn’t pay close enough attention to my car’s location. She sometimes tells me “turn right” one street early, or waits until after I’ve passed the turn to give the instruction. So I take the wrong turn, or miss it, based on poorly timed information – miscommunication. I follow the GPS lady’s instructions due to a false belief that accurate communication took place.

Ways I might solve my GPS problem.

• Stop using the GPS and use a map
• Learn how to correct for miscommunication
  • Look for a pattern when the GPS makes errors
  • Accommodate for when the driving directions are likely to be slightly inaccurate

At least the lady in the satellite acknowledges the communication mistake immediately, saying “Recalculating.”

How can you use my GPS tale to be on the right road in expressing and experiencing love? Gary D Chapman is the famous expert in this area.  In his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, he identifies and describes five different love styles:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

In it, you discover how to give and receive love in ways that encourage connection and prevent disconnection with the one you love.

Using this book as a framework, I developed a chart to help you see how love is communicated successfully. It further provides a series of questions to help you predict outcomes based on how you love and how you are loved. If you discover you are stuck about what to do differently, please read the The 5 Love Languages (available in paper, Kindle, and recorded book formats) and seek out your solutions now.

In later books, he focuses this topic for men, singles, teens, and children. These books are available at Amazon.com and bookstores.

COUNTDOWN TO VALENTINE’S DAY

Here’s a question for you. Can relationship building with your partner be entertaining and fun? Michigan psychologist Sally Palaian, PhD thinks so. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Sally released Love Builder, a cool, free game app she created for you and your partner to play while giving you ideas and inspiration to improve your relationship. Fun, free, and functional, in one package. How’s that sound? Her 1.5 minute video, convinced me it’s something I want and something I want to share with you.

It is available for iPhone, iPad, and Android.  If you are a couple (it takes two to play), why not get yours now? Here’s how to do it:

• Watch the short Love Builder video
  
• Download Love Builder for iPhone or iPad
• Download Love Builder for Android

Here’s a wish for a Happy Valentine’s Day! Remember, no matter what your relationship status is, someone in your life loves you. As Valentine’s Day approaches, allow yourself to know and feel that love.

CHECK OUT “10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AFFAIRS”

Are you struggling with infidelity in your relationship? Word-renowned marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis says, “Divorce isn’t the solution…” Weiner-Davis has 10 things she believes you need to know about affairs. Check out what she has to say in her clear, concise manner. It’s a good read. Find it at Affairs.

“WE’VE NEVER HAD A FIGHT”

With pride, my mother insists she and my near-dad never had a fight. High school friends, mom, a widow, and Don, a widower, married when they were 71 years old. For two years, they had a fairy tale romance. Sadly, it doesn’t end with “and they lived happily ever after.” In good health prior to their wedding, Don died 14 months later from pancreatic cancer.

Mom almost provoked a first fight. After his previous wife died, Don continued their long-time practice of sending her sister a very small amount of money every month. Shortly before their wedding mom told me about it and said, “THAT is going to STOP!” She believed his former sister-in-law should not be enabled to live beyond her means.

I could have pointed out that mom enabled her former tenants to live outside their means by not evicting them for two years while they spent money on “toys” instead of paying their rent. But I didn’t. It isn’t smart in relationships to play a game of “tit for tat.”

Instead, I asked her a question to which I already knew the answer. “Is your lifestyle going to suffer because Don sends her this monthly check?” “Absolutely not!” mom replied emphatically. “Is it worth having your ‘first fight’ over?” I asked.

Mom didn’t reply, but I know she decided it wasn’t worth it. She quietly made her peace with Don’s choice even though she disagreed with him. Mom even wrote out and sent one of the checks when Don was too ill to do it. When he died, the checks stopped.

We don’t and won’t agree with everything our spouse wants to do. It’s important to choose wisely which issues to pursue and which ones to drop.

I invite you to think about this story when considering what issues are worth “fighting” over and what ones it’s wiser to let go of peacefully.

HURRICANE SANDY – THE PERFECT STORM

Mother Nature dumped a big one earlier this week. Hurricane Sandy, dubbed “The Perfect Storm,” hit the US with a vengeance. Converging weather systems created a huge, destructive weather system covering the East Coast and areas farther inland.

My brother’s career in Water Management for the US government put him in the center of similar events for over three decades. Translated, part of his job included working around the clock during major storms to prevent flooding wherever possible and to control flooding when prevention was impossible.

I’m not sure if I was invited, or if I invited myself, but either way, I flew into Baltimore for the day to attend his retirement reception. I heard wonderful tributes. I was blown away (no pun intended) to learn my brother’s leadership preventing and controlling floods saved communities billions of dollars. Billions of dollars! My brother? I didn’t know…

What does this have to do with relationships?

For 34 years, Rich was unavailable to his wife to help prepare their home and property for a storm, for dealing with leaky roofs, felled trees across the driveway, and the other casualties from the storms. All the work and all the decisions were left up to her. She “weathered” the storms alone. While Rich worked to protect the population in his territory, he was unavailable to support his wife.

Questions for thought:

• Do you have a job/career that takes you away from your marriage and co-parenting your children?
• Does your job/career keep you from spending time together with your spouse, nurturing your relationship?
• Does your job/career routinely get in the way of helping care for your children when they are sick, from attending your children’s parent – teacher conferences, sports events, or concerts?
• Does your job/career keep you away during celebrations, or holidays?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, your relationships with your spouse and family are affected negatively to some degree. You might not see a problem, but that doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist.

Sure, your job/career is important. The income may support your family. Your work may be highly satisfying. As in my brother’s case, it may provide a necessary service to millions of people. Those factors can make it hard to ask the question “is my marriage and my family life in balance with my job/career?”

9 signs your job/career is affecting your marriage and family:

• Your spouse complains you’re never home.
• You feel like an outsider in your own home.
• You can’t wait to leave for work or your next business trip.
• You are consistently unavailable to help with crises at home.
• You feel disconnected from your spouse, or your spouse feels disconnected from you.
• You’re children treat you like a stranger.
• You don’t know your children’s interests, troubles, friends.
• You are usually absent from celebrations, holidays, or your children’s functions.
• You disappoint your spouse or children by promising to be home or attend an event with them, and then cancel due to a change in your work schedule.

What can you do?

Take an inventory of your work/home balance. It can be difficult task. The more work consumes you, the harder this is to take an honest inventory.

Here is a great way to decide if it is time to do something differently. Imagine you’re on your deathbed with endless hours to review your life. What occasions were most meaningful? What are your biggest regrets? What are your friends and family saying now while they reminisce about your life? Do you wish you had a longer list of joys and a shorter list of regrets? If you had it to do over again what would you do differently?

Well, sorry, you can’t do anything to change your past from your deathbed. The time to take your inventory is today. Today you can choose a different balance in your life, so that when you are on your deathbed your list of regrets is short, your list of joys long.

It’s hard!

Some life changes are easy enough to make. Others are extremely hard. It’s also hard to live a life filled with regrets. When faced with something hard, you can do the hard thing in a way that gives you the joys you want, or do the hard thing in a way that perpetuates regrets. It’s your choice.

How did Rich and his wife handle his unavailability while he worked during water related emergencies?

• They made career decisions together.
• They acknowledged the reality of his absences, communicated about them, and accepted them.
• They recognized his absences were time-limited.
• Rich accepted his wife’s decisions without questions when she had to make them on her own.
• They planned quality time together once the emergency ended and between emergencies.

Hurricane Sandy is the first major storm Rich was home to help his wife. For the first time, they prepared for the storm together. Baltimore shut down and her office closed. They report it rained some, the wind blew a lot, and a tree fell across their driveway (again). For them it was a perfect storm because for the first time, they prepared for and waited out the hurricane together. I heard they had a companionable day together.

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My area was spared as the storm made a horseshoe shaped turn around us. Others of you were not spared and my thoughts are with you as you recover from the physical and emotional devastation.

The United Methodist Committee on Relief (UMCOR) continues to play a leading role in helping communities recover from natural disasters. Trained early response volunteer teams set out to help once emergency officials said it was safe. They provide hands-on, practical aid to all.

I urge you, whose homes were not affected by Hurricane Sandy, as you feel led, to make a monetary contribution to UMCOR. Unlike many other organizations with high administrative expenses, your dollars go directly towards aid. No amount is too small or too great.

You can send your cash donations, clearly marked UMCOR Hurricane 2012 Advance #3021787, to the Upper New York Annual Conference at 324 University Ave. 3rd floor, Syracuse, NY 13210; and those donations will be forwarded to UMCOR or you can donate at http://www.umcor.org/.  If you donate online, please be sure to select Hurricanes 2012 from the drop down menu. You can also text the word RESPONSE to 80888 to make an immediate $10 donation.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH ONE SPOUSE

You want marriage counseling, but your spouse refuses to take part. Many times it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t care about your relationship. It may mean your spouse

• doesn’t think counseling will work
• has had bad experiences in the past with counseling
• is uncomfortable or afraid to go for counseling.

Don’t despair! Internationally renowned marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis assures “You can affect relationship change single-handedly.”

Marriage counseling with one person not only can work, but also often is more effective than having both spouses present. A counselor trained in helping relationships heal knows how to ask questions to bring out both his and her sides of the story and teach effective tools the spouse attending counseling can successfully use to mend hurting relationships.

So seek out a counselor trained to work successfully to help your relationship with one or both spouses present. Invite your spouse to attend counseling with you. If he/she says “no,” stop yourself from forcing the issue and accept the answer gracefully. This alone can move your relationship in the right direction.

Learn more by watching this 5-minute video segment Save Your Marriage: It Takes One to Tango, by Weiner-Davis now.

MAKE SOCIAL MEDIA SAFE FOR COUPLES RELATIONSHIPS

Over the past four years, the numbers of couples who come to my office for marriage counseling because of an affair that began while using social media keeps increasing.  Research shows 57% of people involved in extra-marital affairs “use the internet as a tool to cheat.”

One of my frequent rants is the problems with social media.* Before going further, I want you to know, yes, I am aware of its positive side, too. When our mother died last year, for example, my brother and his wife received a rapid response of kindness, comfort, and sympathy from family and friends they “share” with on Facebook.

The reason I rant so much about social media is its lack of boundaries. Too often, using social media to post information and photos results in impulsive, “shares” that get out of control. With lightening speed, posts are reposted, potentially reaching all corners of the earth. Too often, unhealthy connections are made. Harm, purposely or without thought to consequences, leads to destroyed relationships and lives. I’m not overstating what can and does happen.

Linda Mintle has 12 excellent suggestions for making social media and the internet safe for relationships. My advice: Read them now. Print a copy. Make a pact with your spouse to use them. Do all you can to prevent over-stepping boundaries, broken trust, and affairs. Protect your marriage.

If you feel a pull away from your marriage for any reason, instead of moving further away, stop, turn around, remember your values, and do whatever it takes for you and your spouse to find your way home to each other. If you think dealing with the fallout from broken trust and affairs is easier than dealing with closing the distance you feel with your spouse, think again.

End of rant.

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*Facebook, Google +, Twitter, and Linked-in are examples of social media.

ABSOLUTELY – It Can Hurt Your Marriage

“He NEVER…” “She ALWAYS…” This is what a conversation with a couple in my office sounded like recently. When asked if they frequently speak this way at home, they said together “absolutely!” Well, they agree on one thing.

I often hear sentences beginning with these words when couples first come to me with marriage problems. Relationship favorites are “he/she never helps around the house,” “he/she always wants to talk about our relationship,” and “he/she always/never wants to have sex.”

Thinking in absolutes such as NEVER and ALWAYS doesn’t work in relationships and puts you at risk for rigid, stuck thinking that creates conflict. If your spouse NEVER seems to help around the house, you may feel you’re an unappreciated maid. If your spouse ALWAYS seems to want relationship talk and you don’t, you probably want to avoid contact. And both of you feel resentment. Not good, huh?

This is what the couple in my office decides to do to end their pattern of thinking NEVER and ALWAYS?

• They decide to start fresh – to let go of the past.

Key point:  Holding on to past anger and resentments interferes with focus on the present.

• They decide to become good detectives – to focus on looking for EXCEPTIONS to their beliefs of ALWAYS and NEVER.

Key point:  Exceptions to ALWAYS or NEVER can go unnoticed. It may seem as if he NEVER helps around the house, when at least sometimes he does. It may seem as if she ALWAYS wants to talk about your relationship, and at least occasionally, she doesn’t. Exceptions usually exist, even if they are very tiny and hard to see if you aren’t looking for them or don’t expect them. Imagine you carry a magnifying glass with you to help you find exceptions.

• They decide that once they notice an exception, to figure out what happened before the exception.

Key point:  When you figure out what happens that is different before the exception, you can recreate it. Another approach is to figure out what happens before the ALWAYS or NEVER experience happens and stop doing it. Watch for the patterns that work and don’t work.

• They decide to do more of that exception and make it the new normal.

Key point:  Repeat what works for both of you. Keep repeating it as long as it continues to work most of the time.

6 more suggestions:

1.  Be willing to be first to break the ALWAYS/NEVER pattern.
2. Ask your spouse for information. In the past, what EXCEPTIONS to a situation have you failed to notice?
3. Give your spouse permission to tell you when they create an EXCEPTION you don’t notice.
4. When the old pattern happens, recognize it isn’t ALWAYS that way. The EXCEPTIONS exist.
5. Be willing to make mistakes and accept the mistakes of your spouse while you experiment with ending the ALWAYS/NEVER pattern.
6. Act with kindness and good will as you follow these suggestions.

Do I believe this can help your marriage? ABSOLUTELY!