3 REASONS TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

“A picture is worth 1000 words.”

I see 3 reasons in this photo why I am in favor of resolving problems that might drive a wedge in a marriage.

What reasons to you see? Write them in the reply section. Share and care about healthy marriages and healthy relationships.

3 (or more) reasons to save your marriage. (Photo used with permission.)

10 RELATIONSHIP-BASED WAYS TO ENCOURAGE AND BE GENEROUS*

1. Create a pleasant climate in your home where love, joy, kindness, and peace can grow.
2. Choose to use words that give a lift to others.
3. Breathe some fresh air into your own life by daily reading something inspiring and motivating, stopping to notice something pleasing to your eyes or ears, singing a song that helps you feel good. Others will notice the change in you!
4. Make the first move with someone you are holding a grudge against. Choose to let the grudge go.
5. During times when words aren’t enough to lift up a broken spirit, show your caring by doing an act of kindness.
6. Get together with healthy, positive people. Let the spirit speak to your heart so that you may have life in abundance.
7. When someone is hurting deeply, be there for him/her. Your presence can make all the difference.
8. Love yourself, and in turn love your neighbors
9. Share a smile with someone you pass on the street.
10. Say “thank you” to the person who provides a service to you.

The fears, worries, and burdens we carry often discourage our hearts and rob us of the joy intended for all of us. As we live our busy lives, we need words and acts of encouragement. We are blessed by people who give this to us. In a world where so many negative things happen daily, it is encouraging to have a friend who is positive and hope-filled.

Barnabas, a man whose story is told in the Bible in the book of Acts, brought encouragement to the people around him. All of us need an encourager. Barnabas was a generous giver. He was one of those people who gave freely of his time, his gifts, his presence, and more. His generosity was contagious. Barnabas encouraged others by his willingness to believe in people even when they had a hard time believing in themselves.

There are people in our families and community who are hurting today. Chances are you and I can’t identify very many of them. A lot of us are professionals at hiding behind the mask of a smile, acting as if our lives are great. We can smile on the outside while crying and falling apart on the inside.

Will you reach out with kindness and encouragement to everyone in your home, your friends, and the stranger you meet? If we all do this, and you are the one who is hurting, someone will likely, in turn, reach out to you.

*With permission, I have taken great editorial liberties with this article originally written by Rev. Jane Pykus, pastor of Montrose United Methodist and South Montrose Community Churches (PA).

Food for Your Relationships

I received this story by email. I don’t know who wrote it, although would like to give credit to the author if anyone knows who it is. I’ve modified it just a bit to make it relevant to most readers. Enjoy!

Burned Biscuits

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Honey, I love burned biscuits.”

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides – a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!”

Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I’m not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults – and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that’s my hope for you today. In the end, we all want the kind of relationship where a burnt biscuit isn’t a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.”

So please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Your comments on this blog are welcomed!

Do You have a Relationship You Treasure? 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships – It’s ready for you!

Two or three years ago, I had this “stuff” running around in my brain, clogging it up.  I had to capture that “stuff” on paper, so I began writing and ended up with a list of 10 healthy relationship tips.  Each tip was two or three lines long.  One time when I revisited the list, I decided I wanted to say more about these tips, so the two or three lines turned into several paragraphs per tip. 

And then my brain started to clog up again – weird how that happens.  I pulled up the list on my computer, and it sort of took on a life of its own, growing into 20 tips.  After I reached the 20^th tip mark, I realized I had a book in me.  So I started growing the list towards my new goal of an e-book with 30 healthy relationship tips. 

Those of you who follow my blog or get my newsletter (you can sign up to get emails of either or both in the side bar to the right), know I put out a request this summer for tips you wanted included in this book.  I incorporated what readers sent me.  You know who you are – thank you!

More than once I wondered if I’d ever get the book finished.  So many time hogs and unexpected circumstances kept getting in the way.  Yeah, life as usual…

But wonder of wonders, I finished the e-book.  I’m excited!  It has user-friendly formatting and pictures. 

30 Tips to Healthier Relationships:  A guide for couples and anyone else who has relationships to treasure has been available since October 13^th.  I’ve received positive feedback from readers.  They like it!  They say it gives them tools they can use to help them succeed in their most important relationship(s).

Here’s what one internationally known therapist and author has to say about the book:

“It’s easy to go on automatic pilot in relationships, taking them for granted or falling into unhelpful patterns. Jenny Olin’s 30 Tips to Healthier Relationships can serve as a wakeup call, renewing your relationship and making it much better each day. Spend one month using these simple but useful tips and you’ll find out for yourself.”   -Bill O’Hanlon, LMFT, author, Love is a Verb and Rewriting Love Stories

You can download your copy today in a PDF format.  I have a special coupon code for my blog readers to receive $5 off.  And, if you don’t like the book you can get your money back, so what do you have to lose?  Better yet, what do you have to gain?

I almost forgot to tell you – I also wrote a companion workbook to help you decide how you want to use these tips, measure your progress, and evaluate your results.  Formatted as a Word Template, you can type your answers right into the workbook and save it on your computer.  Workbooks help many people stay accountable for their choices.  

How do you get your discounted copy of Thirty Tips to Healthier Relationships?  Click on this link http://www.HealthyRelationshipsForLife.com/mb and make sure you type in the coupon code BLOG.

Many more details about the book are available here http://www.HealthyRelationshipsForLife.com/mb  but make sure you use the coupon code BLOG, or else you miss out on the special discount.

KEEPING CONNECTED IN YOUR MARRIAGE

As she drove the long commute home the other night, one of my clients realized “I spend more time with my steering wheel than I do with my husband.” This discovery left her feeling sad and lonely. Can you relate?

Lack of spending time with our spouses is turning into something of an epidemic. Our tightly programmed lives create emotional and physical distance in our committed relationships. It keeps us from the actions needed to maintain connection and intimacy. We feel too tired to talk to each other about our daily experiences, and our hopes, wishes, and dreams. We are too preoccupied to notice the wants and needs of our spouse. We are too rushed to sit together over a cup of coffee, hold hands, exchange smiles, or share a warm hug.

The most important thing couples can do to keep their marriage healthy is to spend time together. Couples not prioritizing their relationship and letting everything else come first is probably the biggest factor contributing to the high divorce rate in the United States.

When was the last time you thought about your relationship values and priorities? Where does your relationship show up on your list of priorities? Is your life arranged so you act according to your priorities, or do you find you only give lip service to them? Do you feel stuck – unable to figure out how to make your marriage the priority you say it is or want it to be?

Think of one small change you could make in your life this week to increase the time you spend with your spouse.  Write it in the “leave a reply” box or click on “leave a reply” in the small blue print below, whichever is displayed, and send your idea to me to share with others. What you think of and share here might have a significant impact on someone else’s marriage. And you might find what someone else has written helps you figure out how to get unstuck and spend more time with your spouse. We are in this together!

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TIPS

Where in your marriage or other important relationship are you struggling and wish you had an easy-to-apply tip to ease that struggle?  Maybe even have it disappear?  What healthy relationship tip(s) would be helpful to you? 

(If you haven’t yet, check out my previous blog A Healthy Relationship Tip  on 7/12/10 to see one of my favorite tips.)

Before summer is over, I expect to have completed and available an e-tips book 30 Healthy Relationship Tips:  A guide for couples and anyone else who has relationships to treasure.  For those of you who are not sure what an e-book is, it’s a book you can download from the internet to your computer and read on your monitor. 

This is a short book – probably under 50 pages.  Before I finish it, I want to hear from you.  I want to know what tips you want to have in the book.  What do you want most to know how to improve, change, or solve in your relationship?   What will help you out? 

You probably won’t have to think about this.  It’s likely to have been on your mind for a while.  I expect you have one thing, maybe more than one, you’d like a useful tip for right now.  So please take a minute and write your suggestion in the comment box below.  (If you don’t see a comment box, click on the blog title:  Healthy Relationship Tips.  That should switch you to a page where you can leave a comment.)

While I can’t promise to address every request, I’ll to my best. What I can promise is 30 great tips you can use to have a healthier relationship(s) with the one(s) you treasure. 

Thanks for your contribution.  Look for it when the book comes out.

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TIP

All relationships have room to grow. Even your relationship with yourself has room to grow.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could do one thing different to improve your marriage or other important relationship today? Here’s your chance. Below is one of my favorite Healthy Relationships tips. Read it. Try it out. Leave a comment below to let me know what you think. More on healthy relationship tips will follow in my next blog.

Share appreciations every day about the good you see in others.

Sharing appreciations is a great way to bring a smile to someone’s face and warmth to his/her heart. We like to hear genuine compliments and thanks.

 Experiment with expanding your expressions of appreciation. If you are a person of few words, you might find this challenging at first. Once you see the results, you’ll be glad you took the challenge.

Here are a couple of examples:

 OK: “I appreciate your making dinner tonight.”

GREAT: “I appreciate your making dinner tonight. Driving home from work, I had no idea what to cook. When I walked in the door and discovered you were already cooking, I felt so relieved I would have turned cartwheels if I knew how! Thank you so much! I love you!”

 OK: “I appreciate your not giving me a hard time about going out with the guys last night.”

GREAT: “I appreciate your not giving me a hard time about going out with the guys last night. I know you weren’t interested in going to the hockey game and I really wanted to see it. I needed the break in routine. After the game, it was nice to come home and crawl into bed next to you.”

Practice keeping your appreciations clear and concise. Using too many words can dilute your message. Also, if your message is too long, the receiver often stops listening and doesn’t hear your appreciation.

Be sure to keep your appreciations real. We usually see through fake ones.

What real appreciations will you share today?

Please remember to leave a comment.  (If you don’t see a comment box, click on the blog title:  A Healthy Relationship Tip.  That should switch you to a page where you can leave a comment.)

CHOOSE YOUR LOVE AND LOVE YOUR CHOICE

Julie* came for counseling because she was having intimacy problems with her husband. As part of her history, she described a significant event in her life. While in college, Tim, a former long-term boyfriend was killed in a motor vehicle accident. After the funeral, Julie returned to college and did not talk about his death again.

She also never said goodbye. Although she never told anyone, rarely a day passed without her thinking about him. Even after marrying Rick, a man who is an exceptional husband, Julie’s thoughts were often on Tim.

Julie told me about her relationship with Tim and the circumstances of his death the first time we met. It was many sessions later when she told me the rest, wondering if this is what was causing the distance between her and Rick.

We looked at this possibility. Julie decided keeping Tim alive in her head blocked her from fully committing to Rick. But she did not want to say goodbye for fear she would forget about Tim. She experienced great sadness, accompanied by deep crying, at the thought of letting go.

I gently asked her, “whom do you choose, Tim or Rick.” Julie looked straight at me and clearly stated, “I choose Rick.” With a mixture of sadness and joy, Julie said goodbye to Tim and once again declared her commitment, “I choose Rick.”

It is no surprise to me the next time I saw Julie, she reported the intimacy difficulties between Rick and her had disappeared.

Many of us have two or more loves in a lifetime. We remember, and often idealize past loves. We fantasize about potential future loves. Our greatest satisfaction and intimacy comes from living in the present and choosing to be in relationship with the one we married. Have you completely chosen and committed to the person you married? If you haven’t, will you now?

*Names were changed and details altered to preserve confidentiality.

Comments on this post are valued. I invite you to leave yours by clicking on “comments” below.

Being Right isn’t a Priority in Marriage and Couples Relationships

A few weeks ago, a couple sat with me in my office for the first time. They were having marriage problems. “What gets in your way of connecting?” I ask. Bottom line: they regularly have differences of opinion. Both are highly invested in being right and in proving themselves right at all costs. My next question: “what are the consequences of pushing your ‘rightness’ on your spouse?” They argue most of the time, leaving them unhappy with each other and their marriage. They feel disconnected and distant from each other. “Would you rather be right or would you rather have a good relationship together?” Being right was winning at that moment. I let it drop, not wanting to push my being right on them. I moved on to finish the assessment. They made a plan to get marriage help I thought was a winner.

A few weeks later I called them: “I noticed you didn’t stick to your plan.” “Oh,” the wife said, “we didn’t need to. We talked about what you said – being right vs. having a good relationship. We decided we’d rather have a good relationship and now we remind each other of this when we start getting caught up in being right. It works and we are getting along great!”

Have you considered an investment in being right can hurt personal relationships? Insisting you are right can contribute to feelings of inadequacy in the other person and to unresolved disagreements, supporting an atmosphere of underlying tension and ill will. Both lead to disconnection. If these are consequences of being right, how do they affect your desire to win at the I’m Right game?

Does this mean you should say you are wrong when you believe you are right? No. What you can do is hold back from pushing your belief onto someone else. Let them have their opinion and acknowledge their point of view.

Think about it. When you focus on the good of your relationship instead of being right, both you and your partner win. Your relationship wins. The couple I told you about were losing their relationship by focusing on being right. They transformed it by deciding their relationship is a much higher priority than being right.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy, close, and connected with your partner, family member, or friend? What action step will you take today towards your choice?

Does this information have value for you in creating a better relationship in your life? Leave a comment below and tell us about it. We’d love to hear from you!

Are You Waiting for an Apology From Your Spouse?

I just read a blog that said when you owe your spouse an apology, give it. Right. A good idea. Somebody reading this believes their spouse owes them an apology. So why haven’t you gotten it?

For many people, apologizing is monumental. Reasons? Pride, ego, socialization, admission of guilt, fear of retort, and worry over triggering an unfinished or new argument, and oh, so much more.

Let’s assume you deserve an apology from your spouse. How you reacted to an apology from him/her in the past, to a large degree, will determine whether or not you are likely to get one now.

In striving for a healthy marriage, think about what you value vs. what you feel. Feelings tend to be transient, while values remain consistent over time. You can focus on feeling hurt or angry, and hold out for an apology that may never come, or you can focus on what is best for your relationship.

Holding out for an apology continues emotional distant with each other. How about approaching your spouse and saying something like: “I’m sad this happened because the bottom line is I value our marriage and I want it to work.” You may or may not get a good response at that moment. But I know many people who have waited a few days after taking this approach and then they notice a change of attitude from their spouse. It’s worth the wait. After all, when your relationship wins, you win and so does your spouse. Now isn’t a win-win a better deal than holding out for that apology?